The Man in Red
by Fernin
Summary: With the apparent murder of the Big Man, the relatively quiet North Pole Precinct suddenly has its hands- and hooves-full.  Detective Rudolph "Red" Nowhz might be up to the challenge... but the Pole's criminal underworld isn't playing reindeer games...
1. Chapter 1: The Big Man

**THE MAN IN RED**

By Fernin

A Christmas Special Fanfic/Parody

_Note: Obviously I do not own any of the various Christmas Special characters appearing in this fanfic as it goes on, to include Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Hermey the Elf, Jangle Bells, The Heat Miser, the Snow Miser, or anybody else who might be showing up._

CHAPTER 1: THE BIG MAN

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><p>Where do you begin with a case like this? I've never really had a problem before. Narrating your way through your own life should be easy. I've done it often enough. It gives my mind something to do between nicotine highs and the short bouts of so-called sleep.<p>

But where _do_ you begin with something as big as this? Something that blows the whole, rotten core right out of this… This is getting me nowhere. What do you care, you're just a stupid police report that no one will ever read. God help me, I certainly hope so. So I'll begin with the call.

The call came in just as I was lighting up my fifth cigarette. I ignored the insistent jing-jing-jingling for a few moments and drew a long pull on the filter. The nicotine bite of the coffin nail smoothed over the rough edges of the world, if only for a moment. Sure beat the hell out of carrots, I can tell you that much. Yet another thing the South had gotten right. Then again, it's _all_ south from here…

I signed, puffing smoke out my nostrils as I reached for the phone. "Detective Nowhz. What?"

I listened to the tinny voice at the other end and set my teeth. The little elfin voice seemed squeakier than normal; something had the dispatcher rattled. After a few seconds of babbling, he got to the point—and it was a big one. Goddamn, a homicide already? I looked out the window and grimaced. It had been clear, but that wasn't going to be true for much longer. The lab boys were going to have to be on their game with the mother of all storms coming for us.

The dispatcher was still going on about how horrible it all was. Time to take charge or I'd be here all night. I broke in with a quick, "I'll be right there."

If I wanted to get an eye full, now was the time. The phone clicked into its receiver as I started grabbing the tools of my trade. Coat… hat… notepad… pencil… camera… bottle… I stopped, hand on the half-full flask. It had been half full for nearly six months now. It was damn well going to stay that way. Gritting my teeth with the effort, I shoved it back into the drawer and picked up an extra packet of cigarettes instead. All right. Time to go.

The darkness outside seemed to suck the life right out of me. The white flakes coming down harder now and the wind was picking up, making the entire world seem like an old television set with bad reception. Of course on this TV, it was always a drama and you never got a re-run.

At least the crime scene wasn't far away this time. Most cases were pretty easy if you actually found the body—which was precious rare in this winter wonderland. With miles and miles of ice pack in every direction, it took a goddamn miracle. Most cases either were ones the perp made it _easy_ to solve. The others never got beyond a missing persons report.

You spend a lot of time cooped up when the seasons don't move much beyond "winter" and "more winter." Add in a crushingly inflexible production schedule and guys like me start to have busy shifts for months at a time. How many of those little hammers clinking away down there have been used on something other than toys? There's a thought to keep you up at night.

Speaking of nights… I checked my watch for a moment before shoving my hand back into the warmth of my pocket. Another few minutes and I'd be there. And not too soon, either. It was cold. It was always cold, on nights like this. Then again, it wouldn't be dawn for another three months.

The new-fallen snow crunched under my hooves as I approached the police line. The beat-walkers in green may not have been good for much, but at least there were some things they did right—like controlling the scene. Red and green lights flashed from the police snowmobiles laid out in a wide ring. A long candy-striped line of police tape stretched off into the darkness. It could have gone on forever, for all I could see of it in the whipping wind and rapidly drifting snow.

One of the elves guarding the scene approached me, moving with difficulty through a deeper drift. His teeth chattered as he looked up at me. "D-d-d-detective Nowhz! I'm Officer Hermey. T-this way please!"

I flashed the badge on my coat's lapel, but it was hardly necessary. It wasn't like there were any other reindeer working in the North Pole precinct. I could feel the eyes on me already as young, wet-behind-the-ears security elves started to notice me. They were very specifically _not_ looking my direction any time I glanced at them.

Whatever. I had bigger fish to fry here. I looked down at the young elf again. The tips of his ears were turning blue. He didn't belong here. He should have been, I don't know, a dentist or something. "So what have we got?"

The elf was rattled but he took comfort in routine. "W-well Rudolph we have a white male, undetermined age but looks old, estimated weight two hundred fifty pounds, and…"

We'd been walking toward the tape, and now we'd reached the edge. I'm sure the young elf was still talking, but I could no longer hear him. I'd caught sight of the victim. Incongruously a song started lilting through my mind. _…With your nose so bright won't you guide my sleigh tonight…_

Someone had finally done it. I stared down at the cold, stiff figure lying in an icy red pool of its own blood. I bit down hard on my cigarette. Everything before this—all the petty crime, even that thing with Abominable a few years back—was reindeer games compared to this.

I started thinking about the bottle back in my desk. Those three months until dawn suddenly seemed like an eternity. Someone had killed the Big Man—the man in red.


	2. Chapter 2: Candy Cain

**THE MAN IN RED**

By Fernin

A Christmas Special Fanfic/Parody

_Note: Obviously I do not own any of the various Christmas Special characters appearing in this fanfic as it goes on, to include Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Hermey the Elf, Jangle Bells, The Heat Miser, the Snow Miser, or anybody else who might be showing up._

CHAPTER 2: CANDY CAIN

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><p>…Like I said, police report, you spend a lot of time cooped up when the seasons don't move much beyond "winter" and "more winter." The snow was really coming down outside, covering the village in a thick, heavy sheet of white. If I'd been poetic, I might have compared the new-fallen snow to the sheets the coroner used when they carted away what was left of the Big Man. But that was two days ago now and working Homicide here at the Pole takes the poetry out of a guy before he's seen his second week on the job.<p>

Me? I couldn't have cared a wooden nickel for anything outside my office at the moment, white sheets of snow or otherwise. I had my plate full of my own set of white sheets- white sheets of paper, covering my desk. It looked impressive. If any newselves had come by, they would have been confident that Detective Nowhz was on the case. Another murderer, soon brought to justice by the brave men in green. What a bunch of reindeer dung- and I should know.

The information on the drifts of paper weren't going to get me a murderer. At best, they were going to get me a headache when I got tired of staring at the little meaningless words that covered them. A good half of the reports were from one of the fresh fish... what was that idiot's name again? Officer Hermey? Like I'd thought before, he didn't belong on the streets. Snowdrifts. Whatever. The mook was an egghead, pure and simple- using a five-dollar word when a two-bit word would do. If someone beat the kid around his pointy ears and told him to condense his work, my desk would probably be clear already. As it was, I was probably due a visit from the fire marshal for having an office that was a fire hazard.

Now there was an idea. I stubbed out my latest cigarette in a precariously balanced ash tray and lit the next, not even waiting for the smoke to clear my lungs before I Took another puff. I could hardly even taste the nicotine, but it gave my hands something to do. I thought about the half-empty bottle in my desk again. There was the accelerant... and here was the source of the flame. It would feel good to let it all burn... just like the rest of my life had up to this point. Of course, if the office burned down, I'd have to find another place to sleep. That would be a problem... heh.

If I were the laughing type I would have laughed at myself. Wasn't I pathetic, thinking about escape at a time line this. There was no escape. I knew that well. I took another drag on the coffin nail and went back to the papers, trying to re-arrange them into a way that made sense. It wasn't like a clue was going to just walk through the-

"Detective Nowhz! Detective Nowhz! Someone here to see you!" The nervous but enthusiastic cry nearly made me swallow the cigarette, filter and all. I started up to feed Officer Jangle Bells his pointed shoes one at a time- and stopped. _She_ was there. Standing next to the little officer, she looked as tall as the North Pole itself- and most of the males in the village would get hot around the collar just thinking of her and the Pole together. The things she could do with those legs...

Candy Cain stepped into the office. Like I said, no poetry in me. 'Stepped' doesn't even _begin_ to cover how she moved. She moved like a predator- the kind of predator who could make its prey jump out screaming for her attention. She could have gotten a snow hare to cook itself while she watched, just for the chance to see her smile. And here she was, in my office. I nodded a greeting and swallowed, feeling too little saliva slide down over too much smoke-dried throat. God, I needed a drink. Too bad I couldn't have one. "Ms. Cain."

"Rudy... How's the investigation? Mind if I sit?" Candy Cain's voice was a soft, velvet purr. She didn't wait for my answer. Instead, she slid those gorgeous hips onto the stained wood of my desk. Red silk slid off one milk white thigh as she crossed her legs. I heard a sigh and a muffled thump from the door. Officer Jangle Bells had fainted.

I re-lit my cigarette. Somehow, it had gone out. "What do you want, Ms. Cain? I don't have time for games."

"Oh, but Rudy... I remember when all you wanted was to join in _some_ games..." Candy smiled and took a demure pull on her cigarette.

That bitch. Bringing up the past like that. It took everything I had not to reach across the desk and- I wasn't sure if I wanted to kill Candy Cain or kiss her. I did neither, and stayed silent.

Silence stretched out between us, and Candy's smile faded. She puffed out her ruby red lips into a pout. A lesser buck might have folded, but I knew these tricks. Finally, she sighed and gave up using 'the look.' Took her long enough. "Rudy..?"

My words were clipped as I forced them out between gritted teeth. "That was a long time ago, _Ms. Cain_. Are you here for a reason, or did you just feel like polishing part of my desk?"

"Yes, your... desk. You've risen so _high_ here, Rudy..." Cain was trying to be cute again.

I stood up abruptly and nudged the still-unconcious elf officer with my hoof. "Officer Jangle Bells. JANGLE. HEY, IDIOT. GET UP."

"Whu- oh! Yes Detective!" The little mook was on his feet so fast, he just about jumped in the air. He stood at rigid attention. Merry _Christmas_, he was green... Green as his little uniform.

"Ms. Cain and I are done here. Escort her off the premises and see that she doesn't come back. Unless vice squad brings her in again." I kept myself from smiling as Candy Cain jerked like she'd been slapped. That's right, sister. Two can play at dredging up the past.

"Uh, yes sir..." Officer Jangle Bells was just opening the door again when Candy Cain finally gave in.

"Fine, Rudy- I mean, _Detective Nowhz_. You want to play cops and robbers? Here. If you're going to play your reindeer games, you should at least know what the game _is_." One delicate hand slid a stack of papers across the desk. They'd been in the pile, but somehow Candy Cain had known right were they were. I had a rat in the department. So what else was new?

I took a look at the papers. It was another one of Officer Hermey's reports. I looked at the pages. What was all this? Then it hit me. She couldn't be serious. "Oh... boy. Merry friggin Christmas to all..."

"And to all a good night," Candy purred. She stood slowly and stalked out of the room, Jangle hot on her trail. I watched them go. I watched _her_ go.

So, the Miser Brothers were involved in this after all. Things had just gotten a lot more interesting. I made a mental note to talk to Officer Hermey when he came back on shift, and lit another cigarette. This was a long night, but it was about to get longer...


End file.
